Dear Diary: Little Ethan

Dear Diary, today we talked about abortion and I remember little Ethan. Everyone thinks they know what they're talking about but they really don't. I heard all those things about adoption and raising the baby, heard all those things about rape and traumas and I felt that pressure in my chest again. It's like wanting to cry but holding it in so nobody would notice.

You know, sometimes I wonder if I could handle pregnancy, if I could look at little Ethan with a big smile in my face, but when I think of him I also think of that ugly monster too. I'm afraid of him until now. It's been quite a while but stills hurts. I really hope baby Ethan could forgive me.

I just hate all of them at class. They don't have the foggiest idea of what abortion is like, they don't know nothing about pregnancy, and desicions, they don't about despair and loneliness. They judge girls that decide to abort but I'm sure they'll do the same in that situation.

I don't think they'll ever get it. Even if they try, they'll never what it is like, they don't every single thing that goes through your mind. When I knew about little Ethan I couldn't felt excited and I tried really hard. I always wanted to give him the best I could, I wanted him to have a wonderful father, a family, a house, toys, you know, everything.

Classmates think pregnancy is the easiest thing in world but it isn't. It's not about just carrying a big belly for nine months and then give the baby to an adoptive family. I don't I could do it. I didn't like hurting myself but seemed to me like the only way out. I just wanted that baby to be taken off of me, I just wanted to close my eyes and be a kid again, I just wanted every memory of the ugly monster gone away. I felt dirty, filthy, ashamed, I felt like the littlest thing in the world, meaningless. I felt like my name and my whole self was covered up with blood and dust and sore and pain.

They don't know how terrifying ugly monster can be, they don't all the horrible things he's got inside his head, they don't know all they awful words he screams. They haven't seen his eyes filled with anger, they haven't seen him turning into a beast without feeling, they haven't.

I know that if little Ethan continued inside me, sooner or later, he'd have disappear anyway. Maybe I was just too weak and I blame myself, maybe I could've been stronger, but I couldn't. I reached my breaking point, I couldn't be worst and little Ethan didn't deserve it, he wouldn't have made it. I think abortion depends on the woman's emotional situation, depends how each one manage pain, trauma, how they face reality and how prepared they are for it. I wasn't.

You know, I just hope little Ethan could someday understand how I felt, how much I cried and tried. It wasn't his fault but neither did mine. Seems easy but it's not. Maybe it sounds selfish but I know that if he continued there I wouldn't stand it anymore. It's like a constant reminder of everything that happened. Nobody knows that kind of pain, no one would ever understand it.

I hope people become more tolerant and stop judging girls like me. They think we're heartless but they don't what ugly monster does.

I don't wanna talk about ugly monster, I'll just try to sleep now,

Bye little Ethan, Bye Diary.